The London Therapist

People often come to therapy after feeling really low about their relationships with other people. We naturally crave emotional closeness with other people, and we can feel extremely healed and nourished by our friends, family and relationships. But when these relationships start falling apart and going wrong it really hurts and we can feel in despair.

So what has this got to do with attachment styles? Attachment theory is an idea that the way we relate with people we are in relationships with as adults all depends on what happened between us and our earliest caregivers. We can either be “securely attached” or “insecurely attached” in relationships.

Attachment theory was founded decades ago by careful observation of very young children and their reactions to being briefly separated from their mothers/caregivers. If an infant is confident that their caregiver will return and that their caregiver loves them, then they are said to be “securely attached”. “Securely attached” infants do not have a crippling fear of abandonment, as they know their caregiver will return. When reunited with their caregivers, they do not feel the need to retaliate towards their caregiver because they have trust in their caregiver’s love. It has to be said, no one, including “securely attached” people, likes being abandoned even for a short while, but the anxiety and fear of abandonment is not thought to be incapacitating and crippling.

Can I rely on my loved ones? Can I trust my loved ones? Will I be taken care of by my loved ones? The answers to these questions in a secure attachment is Yes.

For people who have “insecure” attachments, however, these questions are difficult to answer. It is thought that during infancy something went awry in the caregiving relationship, so the infant does not feel that sense of reliance and trust in their loved ones. They might cling to their caregiver so that they do not leave them again (“anxious” attachment) or they might act dismissively toward their caregiver (“avoidant” attachment) to act as though the abandonment did not hurt them.

The truth is that it did hurt and caused a lot of pain and insecure attachment styles could be seen as psychological defences against facing the unbearable feeling that they are not loved, and the people that they love most in the world cannot be relied on.

These attachments styles can continue into adulthood and people can observe some behaviours in themselves that are suggestive of insecure attachments. Does it really hurt when your partner does not respond to your texts or if you feel their attention is elsewhere? Do you wonder what they are doing and who they are with? Does it make you feel that you are being really clingy? Do you feel like you are not good enough and no one loves you? These could all be suggestive of an anxious attachment style – a fear of not being loved and a real need for constant assurance that you are loved and cared for.

On the other hand, do your relationships feel slightly superficial? Is it hard to form a really deep connection with someone? Do you get annoyed in relationships and end them, particularly when they are becoming too deep? These are suggestive of an avoidant attachment style – it did not feel safe in infancy to seek help and love from caregivers because they were not there when it mattered – the safest thing to do was to close yourself off and only rely on yourself because the people you love cannot be relied on.

So those are the basics of attachment theory. Do you recognise any of these styles in yourself? Would you like some help with your relationships with other people? There is some good news – it is possible to shift attachment styles. Get in touch with me if you would like my help with this.

Relationships are complicated and can feel messy – talking it through with me might help you navigate these difficult times.