The London Therapist

This long read is for CEOs, entrepreneurs, managers, leaders, lawyers, and all high achievers struggling with their mental health.

There are numerous stereotypes about “finance bros”, and they are not flattering. Here’s Urban Dictionary’s definition:

“Typically works on Wall Street, reeks of male privilege and boasts of his money and his (super-inflated) job title. Outwardly very confident, douchey, but are actually insecure and constantly trying to overcompensate for their shortcomings. Most have nothing going on outside of their work lives, and fun doesn’t exist without alcohol/drug use. They work for the sole purpose of making more money and then have moments of sadness when they realize money isn’t everything. If you’ve met or dated one finance bro, you’ve met them all.”

Psychoanalytically, every sentence of this definition reveals something of the inner pain that “finance bros” carry but are unable to allow themselves to verbalise out loud, let alone seek help for. Finance bros aren’t typically renowned for being sensitive souls, so where does this pain come from?

Let’s take a hypothetical example of a boy born into “male privilege”. Many young boys in the UK go to boarding school as children – in some families, it is traditional that all the men of the family go to Eton, for example. From there, these boys are expected to go to Oxbridge and then climb the career ladder. Their lives have been planned for them since they were children, probably since before they were even born – they are to be financially successful, get bonuses, buy fancy apartments and houses, watches, cars, golf, all these imaginary signifiers of success.

Consider a boy who has been sent to boarding school since he was only 7 years old. It’s important to remember that children do not think like adults – to parents it might seem a logical and correct thing to try and give your child “the best start in life”. To this boy, however, he has been separated from everything he loves and is familiar with. He feels alone, cast out from his home, unloved, and frighteningly, he may be exposed to abusive situations in boarding school, by older boys and teachers. Boarding school might seem like an opportunity to build “resilience”, and to stop this boy from being “nannyed” but what he is really doing is learning how to navigate the world without getting too close to anyone, and learning how to get happiness from “objects”. These “objects” may include parcels from home or special mementos of home during their school days, and later become the job titles, the penthouses, the cars etc that he strives for so much.

The word object is important here, because it is empty – the only meaning an object has, is the meaning that we project into it. The phrase I used earlier was “imaginary signifiers of success”, and this is deliberate – these objects do not bring fulfilment, satisfaction or peace, because they are inherently meaningless. Their value is in the imagination – they have no real value.

The Urban Dictionary definition says, “Most have nothing going on outside of their work lives, and fun doesn’t exist without alcohol/drug use”. When life is meaningless and the things he has been working so hard for are empty, what fun is there to have? How can he soothe this nagging feeling that nothing he has worked so hard for is making him feel content? Work might feel thrilling, exhilarating, at times – bringing in new clients, making vast amounts of money, getting promoted feels exciting – but it is not peace. Work brings hits of dopamine, not lasting happiness. It becomes easy to become addicted to work to keep getting those dopamine highs; but outside of work, where can the dopamine come from?

Alcohol and drugs can be used to soothe the anxiety, tension and emptiness internally – they are a helpful distraction from having to think about anything at all – they might be the only things that quieten the turmoil within.

This feeling becomes insurmountable as the years accumulate, that everything he has worked for, everything he was taught would bring happiness has only brought stress and misery, and strategies to cope with his dissatisfaction may have started to affect his body.

He’s putting on weight, and his doctor tells them him his cholesterol is high. He’s been taught to win at all costs, so he’s driving the teams he leads to burnout. He’s getting hammered in his performance reviews because people find him too hard to deal with – but he’s bringing in money, so he’s sent to executive coaching to find strategies to improve his leadership skills. He’s now optimised to the point of breakdown. He tries CBT, mindfulness, hot tubs, cold water plunges, every wellness hack going, but it’s temporary relief. His relationship with his wife is in ruins because he cannot comprehend that someone else’s needs might be different to his, and he never sees his children because he’s travelling, working, securing deals.

By this point he thoroughly despises himself but nothing he has tried so far has done anything about the darkness and nothingness he feels.

He starts talking to his personal trainer, the only person who actually seems helpful – at least PTs can help his protesting body, and can work his muscles under-used by sitting behind a desk all day. His PT listens, but asks themselves – “I can help this man’s body, but who can help his mind”?

People in leadership positions do not seek help the in-depth psychotherapy they actually need because they need to maintain an air of invincibility. In a boardroom environment, any sign of “weakness” is career suicide, and mental health is still far too stigmatised. The truth that everyone, even the guys from Urban Dictionary, can see, is that these people are in dire need of help with their mental health.

This hypothetical man needs help to see that the things he is attaching so much importance to are not making him fulfilled. The fanciest car, the biggest salary, the swankiest job title – none of these things will make him feel accomplished, as they were never his desires in the first place. He was told that they were his desires by the pathway he was set up on early in life, probably before he was even born. His life had already been planned for him – he will go to pre-prep, prep, and boarding school. He will go to Oxbridge. He will become a high earner. He will get married, have children and an amazing house. He will wield power over others and make them bend to their will because “that’s what leadership is”.

When he is finally able to acknowledge these fundamental truths about his existence – that he has essentially not been living his life, that his markers of success are false – that will be the start of his journey towards feeling more complete. When he is able to understand what his actual desires are, what he would have done if his life hadn’t been pre-ordained for him, then the emptiness will fade.

In this hypothetical example, I haven’t even mentioned the potential physical, sexual and emotional abuse and bullying he might have experienced at boarding school, as well as the relational trauma of being separated from his family at such a young age. I haven’t addressed that this man might not be white, and may have experienced racial abuse throughout his life and perhaps made it to CEO level but made to feel like the “token” hire. I haven’t addressed that many women work in these industries, and the additional indignities and traumas that women experience climbing the greasy ladder to success.

Not to mention that not all “finance bros” come from “privilege” – CEOs, entrepreneurs, lawyers etc come from all walks of life but everyone’s mental health is shaped by their life experiences, their desires and internal conflicts.

What seems impossible in these careers is to admit to having internal desperation and to show any vulnerability to anyone for fear of being seen as weak. Instead, they are uncompromising, aggressive and insensitive to others, and drive away everyone, from work team mates to their loved ones. But this is a mask; the outward hostility and volatility is a symptom of an internal world in complete chaos.

What helps all of us, from the CEO to the work experience kid, is understanding and working through the root causes of our distress; something that is only possible with psychotherapy that works at a deeper level.